Last week I wrote a bit about foundations, a theme which seems to come up repeatedly in my thoughts. This week I’m visiting another “frequent flier” topic – that of friendship, specifically long-term friendships.
I was commenting recently on how I’ve seen friendships come and go over the last 10+ years, and the last three years in particular, and the friend to whom I was speaking mentioned that some friends are for a lifetime but most friends are for a season. She’s right in that, of course, and that got me thinking about what makes the difference. A book I read this week* brought up the topic of our tendencies to fall back into old familiar roles when we’re with individuals who have known us for a long time, and I wonder if that’s connected. I’ve seen those tendencies, both in long friendships and also in familial relationships, but they’re not always helpful.
Ideally, growth and development – maturity, in essence – continues throughout our lifetimes. We often consider it a problem when that development stops, and yet there’s often an expectation – whether our own expectation of ourselves, ours of those around us, or others’ expectation of us – that we’re still the “same old ______” regardless of the passage of time. There’s usually a distinct measure of relief when I look back at the person I was 5, 10, or 15 years ago, a reassurance that I have changed and grown and matured; and it can be uncomfortable to be around those who expect us to be someone that we are not. No matter how we respond – whether we buckle under those expectations, or stand firm in who we are – there’s always some measure of dissonance.
It’s just a theory on my part, but I wonder whether those friendships that stand the test of time are those that are relatively free from those expectations to remain as we were, those that allow freedom and space and even the foundation to grow and change. I doubt it’s that simple; I’m sure that other factors and facets play a role. I’m just curious about whether this could be a contributor as well.
I’d also be interested to hear your thoughts. What friendships have endured when they’re no longer convenient, when you’re not in a similar life stage or small group? Have you observed a common thread uniting those who have put in the effort to maintain contact when casual and externally-motivated interactions cease?
*The Hunting Party, by Lucy Foley. I do not really recommend; it falls into the “entertaining, but not necessarily worth the time” category. Essentially a closed-room murder mystery, it took me quite some time to figure it out; however, the twist and tiny thought-provoking nuggets of throw-away lines isn’t enough to make it truly worth the time. I mention it here in this much detail because it will not make any appearance in my Recent Reads series.