Complaining

I hadn’t been at my new job very long, maybe a couple of weeks and certainly less than a month, when I noticed a disturbing and unhelpful pattern of behavior occurring in my office on an almost daily basis. It would start with a round of heavy sighs and a disgusted shaking of the head as my coworkers walked by my open office door. A polite inquiry would be met with an initial response of “Oh, it’s nothing much”, but within 30 minutes, that same coworker would be in my office vomiting up details about how someone else wasn’t doing their job correctly. Once I caught on to the pattern, I stopped inquiring as to what was going on, but by that time, it was too late and the habit had set. Instead of waiting for me to ask if everything was ok, now this individual just walked in and started spilling. Clearly something specific would have to be done if I wanted this to change – and I most definitely did want it to change. Thankfully, my supervisor had also dealt with this behavior, and had some sage words on what I could say and do differently to gently put a stop to the interruptions and unhelpful “insights” on other colleagues’ work habits. So the next time this coworker came in and started up again, I simply asked “What is your request?” “Oh, I don’t have one”, came the swift reply, “I’m just venting.” “OK. Well if there’s something specific you think should be addressed or something particular you’d like me to handle, please let me know.” 

This went on for a few days, with almost verbatim endings each time, but within a week, that coworker no longer came into my office to fill my ears with dissatisfaction. I’m not sure I’ve ever been more glad to see a coworker change; the next step would have been to gently tell them that my office isn’t the place for venting, and I can’t help unless there’s a specific request. 

It’s been a few months since those incidents took place, but they came to mind again this week when I was reading in the book of Numbers. After the Lord had freed his people from slavery in Egypt, after they crossed the Red Sea (on dry ground!) and saw their captors overwhelmed and drowned in that same sea, after the Lord gave them the law, after they had crafted the tabernacle according to his instructions, after he had proved his faithfulness and care over and over through the providence of water in the desert and food (manna) day after day, the people of Israel complained about their misfortunes. And the Lord sent fire that burned among them and destroyed parts of their camp. (Numbers 11:1-2). Just a couple verses later, they complained again about eating manna, and longed for the food of Egypt. Their discipline that time was plenty of meat to eat – quail surrounding the camp for the distance of a day’s journey, and about 3 feet high – but also a plague.* This chapter gives us a pretty clear idea of what the Lord thinks of complaining. 

That response from the Lord may seem a bit harsh to us. It was just a little complaining after all; is that really so bad? They were only stating the facts! Surely manna didn’t taste as good as the meat and vegetables in Egypt, and really it wasn’t all that great to be walking through the desert! I think there’s a difference between stating facts and acknowledging that circumstances aren’t always great and sometimes life really is hard, and complaining. Complaining – which is really just the less socially acceptable form of venting; tell someone you’re complaining, and they’re likely to tell you to shut up, sometimes in so many words; call it venting, and somehow that makes it ok – has its roots in ungratefulness and unbelief. The lack of gratitude shows up as self-centeredness or a lack of “cosmic justice” – a “what did I do to deserve this?” kind of attitude, and the unbelief is a lack of trust in the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness to provide.

The other thing that comes to mind every time someone tells me they’re “just venting” is Proverbs 29:11. “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” (NKJV) If gratitude and trust in the Lord aren’t enough to move us away from venting, perhaps an unwillingness to be known as a fool may do so instead. 

It’s worth mentioning too, though I don’t have the time or the space to explore it more fully tonight, that there’s also a difference between complaining/venting and lamenting. I believe there is a clear Biblical model of lament for us to follow, seen primarily in Job, the Psalms, and Lamentations. If you’re interested in more on that topic, may I commend to you the work of some of the staff of my church, who dealt with it quite thoroughly in a couple episodes of their podcast, ‘Til Sunday. The specific episodes are Lament, Part One, and Lament, Part Two. Well worth a listen in my book.

At the end of the day, I don’t really think my coworker has changed. It’s more likely that the complaining has simply shifted and someone else is the recipient these days. The power to truly change our attitudes isn’t one we come by naturally; it’s only through the Holy Spirit within us. If you see these habits and attitudes manifesting in your own heart, thoughts, and actions, pray for the Lord to facilitate that change in you. 

*There’s some speculation among people who know far more than I that the quail may have carried the plague. It’s an interesting thought anyway, even if we really can’t know for sure.